iii. the sister

let’s start with this. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry that i’ve never been the brother that i’ve wanted to be.

i know that i shouldn’t be sorry. i know that this obligation i feel to protect you was largely, unfairly, placed on me by our parents and the rest of the world. but i still crumple under its weight.

i feel responsible when you’re in danger. i feel responsible when you are unhappy, i feel responsible for making your life better.

but here is what i have realized. i am not responsible. i never have been. you are going to life a large, fulfilling, meaningful life full of love and connection and adventure not because of my help.

you are going to live that life because of you. because you have everything you need. because your life is in your hands, the hands that i’ve known since they were smaller than my palms.

our history is full of love. videos of me snickering and snuggling my little head into your stroller before you could speak. i loved you so forcefully, mom told me i needed to be careful not to hurt you with my big head and my sloppy kisses. i was born to love you. i was born to love, as we all were, and now i have, finally, begun to let myself do so.

i love you sally. i love the way you laugh, i love the color of your eyes, i love your passion, your thirst for adventure. everything i am is because of you. i mean that. you may have been my little sister, but i admired you in more ways than i can say growing up. you were more outgoing. you had more friends. you were happier, brighter, more active, more determined to get off your ass and make your life worth living.

i was full of anger and bitterness for that for such a long time. it’s why we fought so much. i wanted so desperately to integrate parts of you into me, and i was so scared to admit that to you. i wanted you to feel the same way about me.

so know this. i admire you in more ways than i will ever be able to communicate. my words do not do you justice. you are remarkable. you are spectacular. you are impressive. there is no one in the world i have spent more time trying to become.

thank you for pushing me to be better.

thank you for being my sister.