the problem with having a mental health crisis that lasts for months and changes your behavior completely is that it’s difficult for me to tell (and the rest of you too, which is really what bothers me) what is me and what is the mania.

what actions can you blame me for? what is my fault? at what extent do you have to take precautions, protect yourself, and kick me to the curb?

how can any of us really know?

i used to be obsessed with that question. wondering what from this spring was real, wondering who i was right about, wondering what happiness and wellness really mean for me in a post-manic state.

wondering how happy it’s ok for me to be.

well, now i worry about these questions less. i think i’ve accepted, mostly, that we’ll never really know when the mania started, what was me and what was it, which of my actions can be justified by mental illness and which really cannot.

for the people i wasn’t as close to, i was scary, dramatic, intense. i crossed some boundaries that should not have been crossed, i tried to manipulate and raise questions, and i openly admit that.

and those things wouldn’t have, didn’t happen, before i was manic.

still, i feel the shame. it’s weight is heavy, the embarrassment is stifling, and i feel it from more than just myself.

for the people i was close to, i was all of those things, yes, but following the manic, there’s always the fear that my big declarations of love to them were false.

there’s a fear that the friendships and the love for others i cultivated while manic, were not real.

and that’s a justified fear to have.

if i could say anything, it is that i’m ok now. i’m taking the needed measures to be ok, too. and i’m not as dangerous as i once was.

but i understand if that’s difficult to believe, and i’ll try not to take it too personally if my actions during the manic episode will forever damage my friendship(s) with you.

there’s nothing i can do about that.

and i’d rather focus on those that were here before, during and after. because those are the friends that are really worth my effort, energy, time and love anyway.