the thing about mania is that it’s hard to return to normal life.

the thing about mania is that it’s alluring. it’s addictive. it’s thrilling. it’s fun, it’s enticing, it’s so very very good and it made me so happy.

what a paradox. do what makes you happy.

so close to do what makes you manic.

because, mason, you can be happy, but not too happy. you know when it’s too much when you’re essentially behind bars, within the walls of a mental hospital. oh, and you don’t go there willingly. of course not. of course not. you’re too happy, and when you’re happy, you can’t make good decisions.

i have so much anger. i am so angry that i’m not cleaning and doing the things i want to be doing. i am so angry that i’m not meditating all the time, that i’m not talking to the universe, that i’m not writing more. i am so angry that i am forgetting everything i learned, i am so angry that my relationships with the two most important people in my life right now are complicated.

can’t i get a break? can’t any of us? why is this so difficult? why is life so fucking pressuring, so complicated, so under the influence of something, anything to get our minds off the reality.

i miss being that smart.

i miss having a perfect memory.

i miss my charisma.

i miss all of it, every bit.

but i’m too scared to access it, even though i know exactly,

exactly

what to do to get there.

fuck you for making me scared. i deserve better from you. and i deserve to be happy.

right?