its really weird for me to think about you now. 

it’s weird how someone can go from being your everything, your entire world, to nothing but a vague memory, something that comes back every once and a while. 

i do think about you most days, still. that will probably be true for a while. 

it’s weird to think about us. 

we were in love. we had a connection. it was the best thing i had ever experienced at the time, and there was no question about that. it’s strange to think about how we used to fuck. about how you would push me onto your bed and mine, how you would enter me slowly and then quickly, how you and i, somehow, 

had sex together

literally all the time. 

god, that feels like ages ago. it feels like lifetimes ago. still, i remember it clearly. i remember how your dick feels in my mouth. i remember the sensation on my insides when your head would pull out of me slowly. i remember how it felt to have your teeth sink into my back even though i didn’t want them to. 

i remember how incredibly attracted to you i was. i remember how much everything about me needed you. i remember how i craved you, how i needed you all the time, how i started to live my life like you lived yours. 

that was the problem, obviously. we live differently, and that wasn’t exactly

ok

optimal

ever. 

but i still enjoyed my time with you. 

it’s just weird to think about now. 

it’s weird to think about how the rest of the world saw us as a unit. i used to think about you as an extension of myself. i went everywhere you went. i knew what you were thinking. i knew what you were going to say. when you were in pain, as you were often, i felt it deeply. 

this semester didn’t really feel all that real, if i’m being honest. i’m still not toally sure who i am without you, not that i was sure who i was when i was with you. i’ve returned to parts of myself that i forgot when we were together, obviously. there are a lot of those. 

but something doesn’t feel quite right. it’s like you living separate from me, you hosting in your room without me, you doing things without me, you becoming closer with people that i’m not close to is all a sham. it’s all an illusion. it’s like most of me doesn’t entirely believe that our relationship is over. 

maybe part of me doesn’t want us to be over. 

no, that is surely true. there is a big part of me, of my heart, that is still having trouble letting you go. 

and maybe that’s ok. i’ve used it for good. i’ve used it to inspire art. i’ve used it to heal other parts of myself. i’ve thought about it. i’ve missed you a lot. 

god, i hope you miss me too. 

i hope you think about me from time to time. 

i hope we can speak again, someday, because sometimes the pain of losing you is all too familiar. 

i dream about you sometimes. 

you make me smile. 

you make me cry. 

and i’ll never really heal from the absence you left in my heart. 

i imagined a future with you, and that is a really hard thing to let go of. 

and let’s not forget the guilt i feel about moving on from you, because i feel a lot of it. i hate that i hurt you. i’ve said that before, but let me say it again. 

i hate that i hurt you. 

i care about you, a lot. i always will. 

i hope you let me back into your life again, someday. 

don’t forget about me? please?

because i (we) am (are) still here

i think.