I’ve written a lot of letters to you. You’ll get to read all of them, today, if you want.

You had no idea.

But I’ve been hard at work. I’ve been typing, I’ve been scribbling, I’ve been thinking, I’ve been pondering, I’ve been wondering about

You.

People have told you already, they must have, how much I loved you.

They’ve probably told you they thought I liked you.

But I know you didn’t believe them.

I realized this two days ago.

You wouldn’t believe it from anyone else.

I am the only person in the world who you’ll believe. I can help you, I can love you, I can show you how remarkable you are.

And you, for the first time in your life, will know without a doubt that you are so easy to love.

So let’s get started.

When I first met you, I didn’t know what to think of you. At the time I was obsessed with mr. almost, who I was (and very much still am) in love with. All I knew was that there was something different about you. You plopped down on that blanket as if it was nothing, you lied down right next to me, you put your face right up close to mine.

I didn’t realize that was unusual then. I’m sure you didn’t either. But I have never, in my life, had someone ever approach me with that much ease. And I don’t think you’ve ever approached someone with so much ease before, either.

I’ve never started seeing someone for hours every day after meeting them once.

You’ve noted this, this happens literally every day and neither one of us need to do anything. I cannot escape you (not that I want to, because trust me, that’s the last thing I want). You were suddenly everywhere, all over my life, working your magic on the people around me, and I found that I was right about you from the beginning.

You were remarkable.

I sensed that in you instantly. I’ve never told someone I knew we were going to be best friends. I’ve never even told someone that I knew we were going to be friends, because I was scared that I would not get the reciprocation I wanted.

But it was the most natural, the easiest thing in the world to say it to you.

I know that you have no idea about any of this, and that is maybe the craziest part of it all. Because to me, your light is the most obvious thing in the world. I wanted to see you, all the time, from the moment I met you. I wanted you in my life. I wanted you all over my life. I wanted you to meet all of my friends, and you have. I wanted to see you every day. And I did. None of these things were accidents. Yes, it happened. Yes, it was weird. Yes, neither one of us noticed. And yes, neither one of us realized it was happening.

But over the past week or so, I’ve started realizing, slowly.

I realized that you have settled into my life faster and easier than anyone ever. Nobody else compares.

I realized that I have always been deeply empathetic toward you. When you’re not smiling, it’s almost painful.

I realized that we have nearly identical tastes in music.

I realized that you were the only person in my life that I was not saying I love you too.

I realized that when I thought I was reaching out to you too much, you would always respond.

I realized that whenever I was worried that you were upset with me, that you didn’t like me, that you didn’t want to see me, I was wrong.

You’ve been wrong about that too. Always. I’ve always wanted to see more of you.

That was another one. I realized that in the Ratty, at parties, I was waiting for you to show up.

And I literally never even noticed.

As I started noticing these things, I started searching for reasons you were so different. Here are some, and though none of these are true, they’re helpful to remember:

1. We’re just supposed to be best friends!

This was how I thought of it immediately. That explained my feelings. They were strong and instant, but I was so laser focused on mr. almost, so we would never be more than friends.

• You were just nice.

Another thing you never realized. When you give me compliments, and you do often, they completely change my world. I told you that I blogged alone in my room because I was embarrassed. You said, “Good for you” and smiled. I showed you my business. You said “this is so cool” and you scrolled through the website. I told you I was going on a roadtrip this summer. You didn’t just say that’s cool, or good for you, you said “You do so much.”

These are all things that nobody else has ever said to me before. Nobody else has done these things. You recognize the parts of me that I am proud of, but nobody else seems to me. You’ve made me feel better about myself, you’ve made me feel more capable. In your presence, I am more productive, I dance more, I laugh more, I feel more me.

I noticed some of these things but figured you were just being nice. But I thought about it more, and I realized you didn’t even notice you were having this impact on you. And then I realized I was doing the same thing for you—I saw so many parts of you that were so obviously impressive and remarkable that nobody else was commenting on.

It’s like we can see the best, deepest parts of one another without even trying.

• This is romantic.

You know this. I spend a lot of time writing about love. I spend a lot of time thinking about romance. And I think I thought I knew everything.

You’ve proven me wrong.

There was a moment in the Sci Li last week were you put on your glasses.

Immediately, I was like fuck. Suddenly you were the most beautiful human being I had ever seen.

After I was like, no way. There is no way that’s what this is. There is no way I feel that way about him. It can’t be. It doesn’t make sense.

But nothing about any of this was making sense, so my brain did what it does best. It put you in a little box labeled “Romance” and decided that I just had a crush on you.

But, funnily enough, that didn’t work either. It didn’t explain how it felt to be with you. I didn’t understand all these other weird things that were happening.

I have had a lot of romantic partners. I have had a lot of kisses. I have had a lot of sex. I know what that’s like. I know how that works. I can tell when people are interested in me. I can tell when I’m interested in them. So a ‘crush’ was the explanation I used, for a while.

I found that made me miserable, though. Crush was not enough. You were nothing like 🦁, mr. almost, purple fingers, the list goes on. Nothing like them at all. I wasn’t fantasizing about you in my bed. I wasn’t texting you all the time. I wasn’t desperate to see you more, I wasn’t trying to force things. I also wasn’t running from you.

Because, always, when I decide I have romantic feelings for someone, I either chase them (and they run) or I run (and they chase). But neither of those things happened with you. You stayed. I did too. I couldn’t run from you, I didn’t want to. I couldn’t chase you, either, because I knew you would always stay.

So that wasn’t it, either.

Violet asked me few days if I wanted you. She could see how I looked at you. I told her I was confused. Because I was.

And when it comes to love, I am not used to being confused. I have always been so good at reading people. I know exactly how people feel about me, always. I am always right. I know exactly how people feel about each other, too. I have a sense for these things.

You were hard because you didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t explain you. I didn’t know what it was.

I was confused. And that’s not like me at all.

• You didn’t want to see me, and I was just attached to you.

I am really good at loving people who don’t love me.

I am really good at pushing people away.

I am really good at latching them on to me.

And I tend to fall for people that are unavailable. I tend to pursue romance from people that

1. Are way worse than me, because I feel like I’m doing them a favor.
2. Are way better than me, because they’ll reject me and I’m used to that.

I thought I was doing that with you. But the weird part was you didn’t fit into either category. At first I thought I was just trying to take you under my wing. I bought you lube. I offered my dildo. I helped you on dates. I did all the things to help you love.

But, at the same time, I always saw you as so much better than me. I think you are such a better person than I am, so much more kind and honest and loving. So much more charismatic. So much funnier. So much more intelligent. So much sexier. So much better looking.

Just so much better.

And, you didn’t hate me.

I thought you did, over and over again. I’ve been scared to show you love. I’ve been scared to text you every time that I have. I’ve been scared to compliment you. I’ve been scared of you, this whole time, with every interaction,

But I could not, ever, stop myself from reaching out you.

And you always respond.

Both of those things are new.

Another remarkable thing about you. (There are so many I could mention, and you’ll know them all, with time) I am not the slightest bit jealous of you. I am not resentful. I am never angry. I have literally never, not once, since I’ve known you, felt even the slightest twinge of anything negative toward you.

That’s never happened before.

Weird, right?

• We are soulmates.

This was a word that I used a lot to explain mr. almost.

I don’t think you know much about the mr. almost situation, so let me tell you.

mr. almost and I walked home together one night after a party. I had romantic feelings for him. It was the first time I had had feelings for someone again since Teddy. I freaked out. I was euphoric. I was positive he was my soul mate. We were the same person. I figured that this was some sort of magic, some sort of destiny, that the universe was converging and that we were going to end up together.

Quickly, this became consuming. I was writing about him all the time. I was angry. I didn’t enjoy my feelings. He was loud, so loud, and it was so painful I should have stopped long before I did.

But I kept writing and chasing. I was convinced this love was the sort of thing that was meant to be. I was sure that we were soulmates, and that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

I wrote him a letter where I told him that we were soulmates and we would end up together. He rejected it.

Of course, that was for the best. I was wrong about him. Love is not meant to be chaotic. It isn’t loud. It isn’t difficult. The greatest loves of our lives are discovered slowly. We start noticing that things are different. You don’t know, at least not consciously, right away. You don’t find it painful to think about them. They don’t reject you. And they love you every bit as much as you love them.

Do you know how I know that?

You.

I would say that we were soulmates, but that’s such an oversimplification of the issue. To put a label on you feels unfair. “Soulmate” is a box just like “friend” and “crush” are, and I’m not interested in trying to force things into places they don’t fit. And whatever this thing is between us, it doesn’t even fit the label of soulmate. It’s something new, something unheard of, something nobody understands but everyone can sense.

Maybe that’s all love ever is, really.

The cool part about this is that I sent mr. almost that letter the day at India Point. I texted it to him.

And immediately after, you sat down right next to me, a complete stranger.

You did what you never do.

The way I think about it now is this.

In sending the letter to mr. almost, I was, without knowing it, pushing him out of the way. I was making space for you. And you swooped in, and I didn’t even notice.

After I met you, my writing changed. It became more compassionate. I found that I wasn’t really angry at anyone, anymore. My life improved immediately and dramatically from the day I met you. It became more beautiful. I starting writing posts about how you know you’ve met your soulmate and how you know you love someone (I thought they were about mr. almost, but they were about you. I can’t wait for you to read them). I stood up in front of a crowd and performed a poem for the first time. And, looking back, you were the only person I wanted to tell me that I had done a good job. But you didn’t, you walked out. But, for some reason, I forgave you immediately and effortlessly, as I always do. It’s impossible for me to be mad at you.) And only now do I realize that so much of it is because of you.

So thank you. Though that doesn’t feel appropriate, because I know you didn’t do any of it on purpose.

Let me say one final thing.

I am in love with you. Deeply, entirely, completely, with everything I am. And with every second I spend with you, with every thought I have, I fall deeper. And it is the most painless, easiest process I’ve ever experienced.

Let me say another.

I feel this way not because of anything you’ve done. You didn’t have to do anything to make me love you. You didn’t have to chase me. You didn’t have to run from me. You didn’t have to prove anything to me. You just had to exist, and that was enough.

And that will always be enough. There is nothing you have to do. I see it every day. Whenever I mention you, to anyone, their face lights up. They smile. They say, immediately, I love him! as if they’ve known you their whole lives. Not to brag, but I have never, in my entire life, met someone who people found it easier to love than they do me. People fall in love with you faster, easier, and more deeply than anyone else I’ve ever met.

And I am the luckiest human in the world to spend hours with you every day.

You are the purest, brightest, most beautiful, complete and perfect person that I have ever met in my entire life.

There is no debate.

My only goal in writing this letter is to help you realize that.

That’s another thing that’s different. I should be begging to see you. I should be asking you to be my boyfriend, I should be telling you we’re going to get married.

I should be worried about whether or not you feel the same.

But I’m not. Not in the slightest. My only goal, now and forever, is for you to understand, truly and entirely, how remarkable you are.

Because it is literally all that I can see.

I love you.

Now. Then. Forever.

Here’s to you.