Ok time to put on paper how I feel about you. The difference this time?

The goal is not to understand. The goal is not to justify. The goal is not to explain. The goal is to create by letting things be, it is to create by letting the creation be, it is to do so without judgement. I am going to write everything that I actually feel, the things that are true, and I am not going to hold a single thing back. I am done with that. I’m not fitting you into boxes you don’t fit into. I’m not putting labels on you that will never work to justify you. I will let the words flow.

Here they come.

I didn’t really think much of you when I met you. That first day, had, ironically, just sent a love letter to mr. almost in the moments before you sat down. I sent the letter, the birds came pouring out of the sky, and you popped down right next me as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Something I’ve realized, now, I was surprised. That was not normal, no, it certainly did not feel that way, because people don’t do that to me. I do that to them. And a guy? No guy in the world has ever done that. I repel them, maybe purposefully, so you really did not make much sense to me.

You still don’t.

Stop searching for answers, Mason. Keep writing.

Immediately, or I guess in the following days, I knew that I loved you. I was obsessed with you pretty quickly, I can’t even remember falling but suddenly I had. Suddenly you were all over my life and I hadn’t even chosen for you to be.

Recently I’ve started to think that I have to place you into my timeline to keep you there, but that’s not at all what we’ve learned. You are there, here, all over it, all up in it, and there’s nothing I really did for that to happen. You didn’t do anything either. We’re just drawn to each other.

Or something.

You are hilarious. I yearn for your attention. I need your love, and now I know why. I admire you deeply. I love the way you see the world. I love how big you dream. I love how soft and naïve you are. I want to teach you how to love, I want to reach into you and show you the gems that are so worth loving. I want more of you, and I don’t really think I am alone.

Or maybe I am. Violet said once we think everyone is obsessed with the people we love. I do think everyone is obsessed with you, and I am lucky to have you as such an instant, indescribable part of my life so quickly.

I want you to look at me more.

I like our eye contact, it feels real, and I can tell exactly how you’re feeling by how you’re looking at me. I would like to get better at observing you. Let’s make that my new goal.

I was drowning in affection for you so quickly. I told you you looked like Superman, that I literally loved you, that we were going to be best friends, that the universe wanted us to be. I think I was right, and I’m sorry, but you know it too.

Loves of this magnitude are scary. That’s what’s hard about you, to spend time with you, I have to be vulnerable. I feel almost wounded, like every moment I am opening myself to worlds of pain. It’s not easy to be with you, it’s sort of uncomfortable, I sort of don’t know what to do with myself, but time disappears in your presence.

I spend most of my time trying to understand love. I have tried, and will continue to try, with you, to search for explanations. Here are some that I have come up with, each as useless as the next:

• You are the first gay man that has showed me affection without my having to do anything.
• You are the first man that has showed me affection without my having to do anything.
• I want to teach you how to love.
• I want to make you more like me because I think you would be better if you were more like me.
• I want to help you.
• You’re attractive so I get confused.
• You and I are supposed to be best friends.
• You were there when mr. almost was not.
• We are friend soulmates
• We are soulmates
• My brain really values validation from you.

All of these are meant to make me feel better about things. But they don’t feel right, really, with you. None of them work, I still always feel like I’m missing something. Things that I know are true:

• I want you in my life.
• I love you.
• I want more time with you.
• I value our relationship.
• I do not want to lose you.
• I want love from you.
• I feel loved by you.

God, it always has been that simple. Hasn’t it?
 
I want to document this so I can look back and wonder, in awe, at a time that I pretended I wasn’t sure.

The one, I met you under circumstances I don’t think you realized were unusual. I hadn’t heard about you, I didn’t know about you, you were completely anonymous. I had no expectations, no judgements there was

Nothing

For me to go off of before you came crashing into my little universe.

Thanks for doing that, by the way.

That day when you laid on my blanket, you acted like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was easy for you to do, it was simple, to plop down next to a stranger and smile at him. You did that, then, and now that I’m looking back at it, I hope I can understate how much I appreciate your courage.

That is something even I would be scared to do. I like to think that it wasn’t something you would do normally, either, I like to think that I was special for you from the beginning.

Because you were special for me.

With no expectations, reasons, or distractions, I fell in love you with you so rapidly and effortlessly my whole world made sense. In the midst of my mania, in my determination to convince mr. almost to love me, I believed we would be best friends.

And maybe we should be.

Love is a funny thing. I used to hang on to this fundamental truth:

We are all beings of love and we all love each other, equally.

I don’ t believe this is true anymore. There are loves that are more powerful than others, there are those that are more

Meaningful

Those that fall into place, people you belong with, people you grow alongside. You’re one of those people for me, if not the person that does that for me.

I can feel myself growing when I am with you. I feel weirdly vulnerable when I’m with you, I’m nervous and on edge, slightly, but simultaneously there’s nowhere in the world I would rather be.

I hold on to those treasured moments with you.

Do you?

Yes, there are others, I wrote once. But are there? You are special. And you are not special in the ways the others were, because the others were special in reference to my fear. The others were special because I was scared I would not find more, the others were special because they consumed me and I wondered if this was where I was supposed to stop growing.

You are special because you are the jumping off point, you are the place where I wonder if I am meant to start growing. You are special because you are not categorical, you are not comparable, and there is no explanation that really explains you.

Well, there is one. But I’m scared of that one.

I love you, soulmate. And I’m not chasing you.

But, and don’t get me wrong on this one, I am not avoiding you. You are the last person I think I’ll ever avoid, it would be impossible for me even if I wanted to.

Even if I subconsciously wanted to, I would find myself back

To you

And with you.

Oh, and I met you right when I sent the letter to mr. almost, the one that killed any possibility of something romantic.

Silly, isn’t it?

Divine timing, I call it.

Oops.