hey.

for the past few months, i have wanted so badly to talk to you. you haven’t reached out. you don’t respond to me. you ignore me unless i say hi. even after i say hi, you pretend i’m not there.

i’ve experienced so many emotions about all of that.

at first i was terrified, obviously. in the beginning i worried that you didn’t love me, that you never did.

foolish, i know.

then i just became angry with you. i felt like i was healing from the breakup so easily. i was meeting new people. i was growing. i was expanding, i was living the life i wanted to be living and thought that i couldn’t live when i was with you (i could have, by the way, i just didn’t know how). you didn’t seem to be. you were seeing fewer people. you were avoiding the people who loved you most. you were spending more time with people that were cruel to you. you started smoking more, and you looked so sad and dejected when i saw you it scared me.

i can’t remember the last time i saw you really smile at me.

well, that isn’t true. you haven’t noticed, but whenever you look at me and i say hi, you smile at me the same exact way you used to.

you smiled in that way

that way that has always been reserved for me.

and i think that’s how i really knew.

what i’ve realized is that there are a lot of relationships in our lives.

there is one that is meant to be romantic.

there are others that will come incredibly close to that one person.

we will have romantic relationships with people other than that one person as we realize what’s missing.

but those romances will never be fulfilling. never.

we both had more love for each other than we had ever experienced for anyone else. my response was to run and to chase you, over and over again, like i do. your response was to run and to chase me, over and over again, like you do.

but we could not escape one another. we kept coming back, over and over again, and there was nothing we could do.

we talked about that a lot every time we broke up. we used to say it was useless for us to end things because we would just get back together.

we were right.

and we still were.

we are going to come back together, and i cannot wait.

just without all the sex.

this makes sense when you really think about it.

when we started hooking up, it didn’t feel exactly right, ever.

there was so much love between us, yes. we thought that was enough. but it was so hard for both of us to be with each other sexually, it was so incredibly painful, and the real value we found in our time together.

you knew this before i did.

you, from the beginning, begged that we not make it sexual. you didn’t want to lose me. and i wanted to convince myself that i didn’t want to lose you.

i’m sorry that i didn’t listen the first time.

but here is the beautiful part.

you have not lost me.

i am still your person.

i still love you just as much as i did then, actually, way more.

i speak about you every day. i talk about all my favorite parts about you. i talk about our memories. i look at old photos. i think about our old jokes. i think about how much i

miss you

every

single

day.

everyone who has spent significant time with me in the past few months will confirm this.

i’m still trying to figure out how to show you i love you. because that’s all that i wanted to do for our entire relationship. it never worked, obviously, we both know that.

i spent the breakup still trying to figure out how to show you i loved you. i sent you love letters. i texted you over and over again. i said hi when you refused to. i thought that i had tried everything, but i know you still have believed i was lying to you.

well, i’m not lying.

i don’t lie.

i love you so much.

so fucking much.

i got emotional yesterday just talking about how much i did. and i never cry.

well, that was until i met you. you expanded me in every way. you taught me so much. you were my first real home. everything i have ever written about you

ever

has always been true.

i’m sorry that i didn’t know how to handle a love this strong until now.

i would say i’m good and i don’t need you anymore.

bullshit.

i need you, desperately, every day. i miss you like hell.

it’s not that i want to be your friend. that minimizes everything.

it’s that i miss everything about you. everything. and i miss everything about our relationship.

when you’re ready

and i know you will be

you will come around.

i know that.

when you do, text me.

i have the answers.

and i will always, always say yes to you. just like i always have.

i love you unconditionally, infinitely, deeply, completely and forever.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

333.