hey.

crazy, right? yet another love letter to you.

i would say it’s my last letter, but it won’t be. i’ll be writing letters like these to you and about you for a long time. and you to me.

here’s the difference though.

first, i was right, completely, this entire time, and we both know it.

second, you and i are never, ever going to be romantic partners. whatever that word really means.

i’ve written a lot about love in the past few months, obviously. you know that. if my suspicions are right, you’ve actually read most, if not all that i’ve written. in secret, though.

more than anyone else, though, i’ve written about you. you taught me so much about love. so much. so many of these poems and letters are inspired by you, even the ones you may not even realize were.

and the remarkable thing about it is that every thing i said, every word of it, is absolutely true.

let me remind you what some of these were.

the sort of joy that these dreams realized
the sort of transcendent love they would bring
would be
earth shattering
life changing
self altering
all powerful.

so true. exactly what happened. you were unlike anyone i had every met, i had more love for you than i had ever had, ever, for another human being.

it was undeniable.

and in writing about you, in thinking about you, in spending time with you, my life completely changed. it was all of the things i described and more, as it will continue to be.

if anything, because of you i’ve learned to dream.
you taught me that i can make dreams real
and i deserve to make my dreams real

amen to that. you did teach me how to dream. you taught me that i could do more than i had ever believed i was capable of. you inspired me, you were so remarkably intelligent, so talented, so magnetic, you had so many qualities that i admired so deeply i could barely speak about them without feeling overwhelmed.

you showed me how good a human can be. because you are (or were until very recently) the best human being i had ever met. best being subjective of course. i mean best to me.

i got lost in my pain and insecurity and
i pushed you away
because you felt oh so good
and that was oh so bad
i am so unworthy
i don’t deserve you

this one hurt, at first. it was true.

when i sent you that love letter, i thought it would be the final act that would convince you that we were meant to be in love in a romantic way. i thought i would convince you, finally. but you said were only meant to be friends, and i realized that in sending you that love letter, i was pushing you away.

that letter pushed you so far out of my reach that i never saw you. ever. you started ignoring me completely. you didn’t even reach out when i got back from the mental hospital.

that was really painful at first, but then i realized that the whole time it sort of was my fault. we were never supposed to have a romantic relationship.

we were both right.

i was right that we are soulmates. and we are. we are meant to love each other, and we cannot help it. there is so much i love about you, and i am confident that you have also realized theres a lot you love about me. i miss you so much, and i know you miss me too.

this is just how love works.

but the silly thing is that you were right too. we were supposed to be friends. soulmates, yes. but not romantic ones.

thank you for showing me the truth.

oh, also, i know that you have felt really guilty for ‘rejecting’ me. you really hated to hurt me, and i am sure you cried relentlessly about the fact that you thought you had.

but it didn’t hurt when you said you didn’t feel the same. i actually weirdly felt more at peace, because i knew that we were soulmates, and we are. i knew that i was right, because i am always right about love. always have been.

and i am right about all of this, too.

it doesn’t mean we’re going to date or hookup or do any of that. we are not, and we never will.

but it does mean that you are going to become my best friend (become, how silly). it does mean you will continue to improve everything about me without meaning to. it does mean that i will continue to love you unconditionally, as i always have. and it does mean that there is nothing you could ever do make you angry at me. i will always forgive you.

let’s just say that you are so easy to forgive.

i know you’ll have a lot of questions. i have a lot of answers. and i cannot wait to talk to you about them.

i know you’ll also take some time to digest this. i get it. but you’ll come around. you always have.

until then, i’ll say this (and there is only one other time i’ve said this to you, which is crazy)

i love you.

unconditionally.

i always have.

and i always will.