tonight i realized one simple thing.

my entire life, i have believed, with everything that i am, that my parents do not love me.

i have believed that i do not love them.

this is because i was born to two people.

i was born to two people in a marriage they did not want to be in.

i was born to two people who did not want kids.

i was born to two people who were terrified of having children.

i was born to two people who were abused by their parents.

i was born to two people who were beaten by their parents.

i was born to two people with serious mental health disorders.

i was born to two people with addiction problems.

i was born to two people who were incredibly unhappy.

i was born to two people who hated the world.

i was born to two people who were terrified of losing me.

i was born to two people who were complete opposites, one tried as hard as she could and the other never made any effort.

i was born to two people who expected me to fix everything about their lives.

i was also born into two families.

i was born into two families who did not fit together.

i was born into two families who both had long, painful histories.

i was born into two families that had suffered from addiction and mental health problems for generations.

i was born into two families that had both fought each other in and had relatives die in every American war.

i was born into two families that owned slaves.

i was born into two families that murdered one another, more than once.

i was born into two families that were English and came over to America within the same decade.

i was born into two families who, for generations had known nothing but trauma.

and i was born to two people who knew nothing but trauma.

i was born into a family that knew nothing

absolutely nothing

about love.

we all know that trauma repeats itself. over and over again.

when i was little i slept with a knife under my bed.

my entire life, i have believed that my parents were going to kill me.

when i was little i was beaten with a spatula that was then used to bake cookies my little sister was too scared to eat.

there was a chair in my parent’s room that was used daily

to spank my little sister as she screamed.

my whole life i have been told i was mean

selfish

disrespectful

i have been made to believe, over and over again, that i was not loving.

i have been made to believe that i was worthless.

i was born into circumstances that should have been entirely void of love.

but this makes no sense.

you know me.

i find it remarkably easy to love.

i do it all the time.

it comes almost

naturally.

people love me too, instantly,

naturally.

well, at least you notice it more with me.

we all love each other unconditionally, inherently.

but it does take some space for us to see it.

tonight, i decided to go no contact with my parents.

when i did i realized they did love me.

you don’t beat someone senseless if you don’t love them.

you don’t write journals and journals about how much you hate them.

you don’t continue to love them unconditionally even when they’ve told you, again and again, that you hate them.

you don’t tell someone you love them when you don’t.

you don’t feel love instantly for someone

something you’ve never felt before

if you don’t love them.

the greatest loves are always the most terrifying.

they are always the hardest for us to see.

they are always the most full of pain.

but they don’t have to be.

we must all realize this

as i have

we all love each other, unconditionally.

we must.

all things are done out of love.

and coming from someone who has lived in terror that he would be murdered by his parents his entire life

coming from someone who has been told opposite things, over and over and over again

coming from someone who has never been able to find real peace anywhere

that is a remarkable conclusion to come to.

and that

that

is why you must trust me.

i love you, reader.

i always have.

i always

always

will.