so much rides on a single moment.

in a single moment, i can fall in love. with a touch of your hand on my lower back, with the feeling of my hand in your hair, your curls, with a single smile

your teeth

on display for me, i see your heart through them. in a single moment i can fall in love.

in a single moment, a life can be ruined. a prius spins off damp asphalt into the underworld. towering mountains of Canadian rock greet its tires. in a single moment, with a single world,

suffering

unlocked like anything ever seen before. it’s possible.

in a single moment, i can make a mistake that determined the course of history. a letter can be sent, an ‘i love you’ can be uttered, relationships can be shattered.

you can turn your face to the sun, but away from me. you pretend you can’t see me, i don’t exist in the reality you’ve created.

too bad i’m so loud. too bad i’ve realized my power, the gravity of my language, the impact my words have. too bad i’ve discovered something, something intangible, indescribable, something authentically and powerfully me.

can you sense the vibrations? my head is too full for my own good, out of it pours words i don’t mean while my hands still, even now, are reaching for you.

here, under red lights you used to kiss me under, i find that my soul is just as tarnished as it always has been. i’ve just found new ways of adding some shine.

in a single moment, you can rock my world. that moment can be relived, over and over, reels in my mind and churning oceans in my chest, as i worry about what i said that was wrong. but no, this isn’t me, this wasn’t me, i can’t be blamed, because you said it, you revealed our secrets, you validated that my attachment was real to him

so she did it to me. scrambling in the darkness.

weird how many people, how many faces, how many situations i’ve written about in just a week. i ask, how many of them were real? how many of them did i accurately perceive? and how many of them come from a jumbled, tangled, broken mess of chemicals in my brain conditioned by years of blindness to love?

maybe that’s the problem, i’ve become blind to love. they say it’s always there, they meaning me, the version of me that was most dangerous, but most honest, most real, closest to the best version, whatever that means.

what does that mean? really? who is the best version of me? have i been the best version of me before? or have been on a journey without a map, lost in the wilderness, formless, nameless

i hope that she boosted your ego. it deserves some boosting, but this is a dangerous game. these are treacherous waters and i care what he thinks. he enrages me, it feels so sweet to speak about you with her

the person that you begged to do the same with when we were together

but it turns so sour so fast and i start to wonder who i’ve become. one thing is for sure, i still am, even now, changing faster than i can handle.

i hope you’re jealous too. i hope i’m filling your thoughts a little too much because you’re filling mine. i hope it’s becoming difficult to focus, i hope i make your vision clearer. my jokes aren’t jokes, not really, because my heart rests behind them.

i wanted a crush, once. now i just want you, and this in between is painful.

aren’t you curious who i’m talking about? who have i chosen to focus on today, what is the object of this post, why, why don’t you ask me? are you brave enough?

i said,

are you brave enough?

because lately it seems like i’m the only brave one around here and it’s getting lonely. it’s becoming less magical, the energy is dissipating and i can’t grasp onto it any longer. the magic is losing its grip so i elect to ravage my brain with chemicals that travel to my chest and settle in subtle darkness.

and to think he was in my bed oh so recently, what of that? what of that love, what of that man, that body, that human, that mind, that i kicked to the curb faster than i knew i could? i lived a relationship that night, the honey moon phase

i hope you’re having fun. in your absence maybe i can learn how to love without exploding.