i have spent so many years trying to figure out what was missing with you. i’ve spent to many years pondering, now, wondering

what parts of you didn’t fill me like you told me they did. wondering why the crooked crowded mess of my humanity didn’t satisfy, wasn’t satisfied by the chaos in your smile.

checklists and good conversation and ‘things in common’ don’t matter if i don’t feel changed by you. i know, now, that’s how i want to feel i want you to make me different demand more of me push me to live a life that i can’t dream of alone.

dark winding roads, popping streetlights and sand, beaches of it, won’t fill in for the

gaps

though it isn’t your fault. i understand i’ll give you credit you were

kind

but when you left and i was left abandoned on the side of some road somewhere far out in the middle of my urgency it wasn’t you that towed my aching bones back home. it wasn’t you that i called, it wasn’t you that i wanted by my side.

i appreciate your help, maybe, but i most certainly do not want it.

and now i sit typing about a blip and waiting for the hurricane to come walking through that big black door.