i’m really not sure why i’m smiling right now.

i just spent a week in a mental hospital full of addicts, schizophrenics, addicts, and doctors who shoved pills down throats to rob people of their humanity.

i was rejected by who i thought was my soulmate, and who might have been, then.

i am talked about and laughed at by the one person i used to love most in the world. he never reached out and i’m angry.

i have more school work to do than i know how to handle and cannot come to terms with starting any of it.

the semester is almost over.

my phone is empty and i can never write in the ways i want to.

my history is knives, heartbreak, and third tries.

still, i’m smiling because when i look at myself i see someone worth loving.

the Rihanna in my ear remembers me, and i find peace with the houseplant to my left and the photos of palm trees that speckle these walls.

and though i’m remembering that photo of the two of you, betraying me together and loving it

i’m also remembering the warmth of your stomach instead of the ways you couldn’t love me. i’m remembering how it felt to see you at the airport, when i dove deep into you to fill myself with your memory. i’m remembering a car seat full of present, goldfish mainly, and my hand on your thigh as we wound through roads to your home.

i wonder if you remember, sometimes. i think you do but you refuse to. i’ve heard a lot about how well you think you know me lately, how much you’ve

conversed

advised

and let me say this. i am better than you remember, as i hope you are too.

haven’t i made that clear? reserve your judgement, reserve your

avoidance

for someone who deserves it.