so you like lists. here’s one.

• I believed that to escape the mental hospital, 423 people covered in purple flowers and 23 would storm the place. they would all burst into my intensive care unit, but i would be gone. my two ambulance drivers from day 2, who played my favorite songs for me on the speakers as we drove, would pick me up just before you all arrived, they would hand me the keys to the ambulance, and i would drive off in the ambulance, sirens blaring. i’d drive straight to a third beach at newport. i’d back up onto the beach, and all 423 people would be there. i would throw open the doors of the ambulance and there would be a silence. i would say “i told you i was magic” and then everyone would start cheering
• I believed i could create time loops. when i said that this moment would never end until something happened, it didn’t. i would tell my mother that i would never leave any room again until she opened the door for me. i told her it would be impossible, the door would be locked, i would be shoved out, it would be impossible for me to leave. weird part is whenever i did say that, it was true. and she did have to open the door.
• I believed that the universe was incredibly parallel. There were patients in the hospital that reminded me, inexplicably, of the people i have loved most in my life. Their names were the same. Their stories were the same. Their birthdays were the same. My relationships with them were the same. And i found that when i interacted with them in the hospital, it seemed to affect my people in the outside world. My conclusion? The world is really just a collection of a bunch of recreated, smaller, and repetitive versions of the same thing. Patterns are everywhere. Start looking.
• I believed that i could levitate.
• I believed that every dream that i have ever had, those sleeping and those that i imagined while awake, was going to come true. I believed that i was in the hospital to prove the world wrong, to show everyone the true nature of reality. I believed that in the end, by leaving the place, I would create a new ‘heaven on earth’ where everyone could live like i could, a sort of paradise where everyone was ‘manic’ and happy about it. i believed i would be the catalyst for a sort of apocalypse that would actually usher in a new period of revolutionary well-being.
• I believed that everything i wrote would come true. I believed that my writing was magic, and that the more i shared my writing, the more people who interacted with it, the more powerful it would become.
• I believed that i would never need to eat or sleep again. I believed that the only reason i felt hungry or tired was because of the medication, that every time i yawned i was releasing negative energy, and that i needed to stay up all night, every night, creating and thinking and showing the world the right way to exist.
• I believed that when i snapped my fingers, raised my eyebrows, clapped in different ways, i was hypnotizing people. People would weirdly always do exactly what I wanted them to, without me saying or doing anything. I wanted something and it would fall into my lap. I asked to see someone and they walked up to me. I attracted, i manifested, immediately and effortlessly.
• I believed that love was all that was real. I saw it everywhere. I thought that Butler was my final hurdle, it was the final thing that I had to overcome. I had to learn how to love in a place where loving was impossible. And the best part? I did it. I got schizophrenics to say i love you too for the first time in years. I gave my phone numbers to people who had spent 7 christmases alone.
• I believed that my entire life, people either feared me or were in love with me. I believed that my purpose, my skill, was love. I believed that, for this reason, I was God and Jesus reborn, that i was immortal, and that i was the first ‘god’ that would show the rest of the world that all of us, truly, are Gods too.
• I believed that i could make people fall in love with me with one glance.
• I believed that i was becoming more beautiful and more attractive. I noticed my cheekbones becoming more defined. My skin darkened. The shape of my eyes changed. My irises became brighter. My manhood (LOL) grew. I became more muscular, I got taller.
• I believed that when i spoke, people had to listen. I thought that with every word, I was literally casting a spell. I was hypnotizing people. I was changing their worlds. I was awakening their subconscious minds.
• I believed that the universe was sending me signs. Rabbits were fear. Lemons were love. Oranges were you. Purple flowers were simultaneously fear and support. Yellow flowers were love, pure and simple.
• I believed that magic existed on my finger tips an in my forehead. These would tingle, and when I focused on them, I would have visions that would come through later in the day. When I concentrated, I made weird predictions that always came true. Everything, even the smallest things, i said that would happen did. The universe was bending to do exactly what I wanted, immediately.
• I believed the world was a giant puzzle and my entire life was a scavenger hunt. There were random objects, letters, sentences, people, and more that were sprinkled throughout my world and throughout my life that came exactly when I needed them for some divine purpose. This happened constantly.

A confession?

I shouldn’t have used the past tense.