i’m growing and healing and changing so fast lately i don’t even recognize myself.

that sounds awful. that sounds horrible. that seems to imply that i am losing myself in this raging, spitting river but i’m not.

the river is carrying me, the water is flowing around me and through me, it’s making me spin around and over smooth river rocks but

but

it’s taking me closer to me. it’s bringing me home. it’s bringing me to a place i have always known, a place that i have aways missed, and i placed that i will always

always

come back to.

but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened too fast for me to handle. that was exactly the problem. i was experiencing things as they were. serendipity, coincidences, magic.

my chest started as a small, golden, ruby-encrusted chest sealed, lock and key

now, the chest has burst open, its hinges screamed and out of it poured

words, endless words, words that flow through my arms and into my fingers and out onto this page
people, so many people, people i met when i was 2, people i met today, and names that i didn’t even remember i had forgotten
memories, so many of them, the feeling of the doorknobs in a house i was too young to remember, the crevices on the bottom of feet as a climbed the ladder to my first bunk bed
love, bathtubs full of it, love for the trees and the blossoms and the smiles and every single person i walked past

when my chest exploded, my mind did too. i worked quickly, i moved rapidly, i had 17 arms that mashed and created and built worlds in seconds.

i sent love letters.

i discovered how to be truthful.

i fell in love every day.

i sensed the energy that was always there

i knew that the end was nigh.

and it was. a lot of endings were. the death of me, of my fear, of my ego, of my conscious, of my perception of the world as it had existed for so so long.

the biggest change? in addition to the memory, the productivity, the energy, the love, the confidence, the health, the healing, the speed?

i became a writer.

this river is one that any of us can reach. it’s a hop, skip and a jump away, it’s within the throw of a pebble, sitting next to a smooth stone perfect for skipping. you can hear its sounds, you can feel its mist, you can sense its power and its energy and it pulls you.

it always has, and you’ve always wanted to explore. you’ve always wanted to clamber over the large boulders that lie, resting on the riverbed, to dive deep into its depths and let the current sweep you away into bliss.

still, the forest is more comfortable. the moss is soft, there, the sun is not as glaring, the rain doesn’t make it’s way through tree branches to the forest floor. the light is filtered, the sound is sequestered, and the people are easier. most of us will live our lives hugging trunks and keeping away from the churning, energetic water that calls to each of us.

of course, if this is the path you choose, i don’t blame you. maybe you belong in the dark. maybe you belong where things are not mysterious. maybe you belong in a life where your chest is so empty and your head is so full and you need material to stay alive.

but, to those of you who don’t appear satisfied by that sort of life (and none of us really are) the river is waiting. it’s calling for you. it’s waters are black and blue, its froth is white and heavy. its stones are jagged in some places, small rocks glitter in its depths. the sun is stronger and so is the rain. you’ve never navigated it before, and nobody really ever has.

but the river, and wherever it leads, is where you belong. it will terrify you. it will make you uncomfortable. it will force you to change. it will relentlessly rock you, knock you, block you and refuse to allow you to regain your footing.

your head may go underwater, as mine did. you lungs will scream and your muscles will ache as you foolishly try to swim. your body will bruise as the water slams you against boulders and against others

oh

others. yes, there are others. don’t forget, in the river, you are never alone. there are those that have learned, as i have, to live in accordance with it. they have learned how to build rafts that are sturdy, they are cartographers, they are creators, they are artists, and i will help guide you.

there are guides in the forest to, but they won’t do you justice. they are sluggish, they are unresponsive, they’ll ignore you, and they’ll look at their feet instead of looking you in the eye. you’ll believe in their support, for a while. but you’ll find that they will beat you more than the river does, they’ll bring you closer and closer to the dirt and the carnage and soon you, too, will decompose.

it’s time for you to liberate yourself.

it’s time for you to dive headfirst in the sort of life you can’t even imagine living, not yet. it’s time you shed your selves

disregard your security blankets

redefine your comfort zone

and use the river, along with its water and all its infinite resources, creativity, intelligence and more,

to build a human that i cannot wait to meet.