part 0. some preparation

in words that are not mine:
i don’t know what happens next
but i have to imagine it anyway
and someone will build something, someday
and it will come
come as you are
i’ll come as i am
and we’ll be home.

i’m terrified to write down, in words
what i actually want to happen
what i hope will happen
what i’ve imagined will happen
the sort of joy that these dreams realized
the sort of transcendent love they would bring
would be
earth shattering
life changing
self altering
all powerful
it’s the possibility that dreams will turn to reality that scares me more of than the disappointment of their absence
i’m used to the disappointment

it’s safer to get lost in explaining what it was
it puts distance between us
too bad you keep coming back with a vengeance
distance means nothing when i’m dancing with you

if dreams are realized
then i’m worthy
and that’s not something i can stomach

if anything, because of you i’ve learned to dream.
you taught me that i can make dreams real
and i deserve to make my dreams real

you’ve always been my greatest dream.

so let me admit our imagined future together, finally
what the imagined you and the imagined me do together
maybe imagination, if trusted, is really a glimpse of what is to come
maybe unrealized dreams splinter because we get oh so scared
so focused on being the same
we lose track of becoming something better..

note to self: i am allowed to want this. i am allowed to love you. and i will no longer close myself off to the joy of experiencing each of these moments with you completely

so here is a story of us.

part 1. the parts you know, sprinkled with some you don’t

you should know—we started with dreams
i imagined and pleaded, some on accident and some on purpose, and the world responded with you
still, you were a surprise.
you were the least expected, i was closed off to you that night
you should see the words i’ve written
my hand guided by an imagination directed toward
different
goals than it is now
i was nervous, i was scared of you.
can you blame me?
you and i can’t forget how the suffering my imagined you brought
how sour i thought things were
so i was surprised to find you to be so, so sweet

and bam there you were, we somehow, someway came back
to one another
and we hadn’t even been together before
not in the traditional sense anyway
we stumbled into one another in darkness and unexpectedness. i’m sure you were less scared than i was, but i felt hot that night and maybe that was why. or maybe there wasn’t a reason, maybe it just was.

that night, i didn’t feel the need to kiss you.
well, i did.
but it was like i already knew. i was already so comfortable. i didn’t need to force anything because i knew exactly what was going to happen, i felt us
the destiny was palpable
it’s funny how quickly i forgot

only now have i learned some words to explain to myself what happened
we connected
the merge, is what i call it
we synchronized
our heart beats matched
we collided
our vibrations assembled
we fell in love
twin flames
but none of these explanations really do you justice.

i made you so loud so quickly. louder than you actually were
you were are and subtle and slow
but my imagined you became loud, a slow incineration
as you got scarier images would drift into my consciousness, ideas of how perfectly that adventure would go
you know the one.

i imagined subtly,
and it happened exactly as i imagined it would.
it wasn’t a result i needed
it came from surrender
and now i know that if i surrender
i come back better

it is surrender to love, dressed in nothing, that will set me free.

and i felt so free
so me
you seemed so you
our fingers grazed one another
maxime would be jealous

how could you be exactly what i expected but nothing like i expected all at once?
i didn’t kiss you there, either.
but my chest, my stomach, heart, hell my fucking liver
was bounding toward you
like my delicate skin was the only keeping all my organs from spilling out
you magnet you, god
god.

i’d say more, but don’t pretend you don’t already know how it felt.

the date (sorry, wrong word) was great
until i pissed all over myself
was too scared to kiss you
and didn’t give you the goodbye we deserved
self sabotage, welcome to the stage

i could do this the rest of my life
can you believe i thought that?
me neither.
i wonder what you were thinking.
i wonder if i’ll ever know
and i wonder if i’ll ever be at peace,
really,
with not knowing

still, i went home and relieved my tear ducts of their baggage
I laughed and cheered and danced and feared
i exploded that day, for the first time
now, that’s a feeling i’m remarkably used to

the way you lit up when you saw me that night melted me to my core
i wrote,
soggy in the face of your power
mushy in the light of your love

i’m so proud of myself for saying that to you.
for hugging you like that
for holding your head against my chest
for allowing everyone to wonder what we were

i’m not proud of what i did next, no not at all
for shutting down and getting
jealous
oops
but i’m sensitive
it’s what got me into this mess to begin with
and it’s the only thing that’s ever set me free
real love breaks chains, it doesn’t forge them
you taught me that. or you guided me to teach myself that.

after that day together
like an egg i cracked open and spilled my contents all over
mashed and fried and peppered and salted
my greatest culinary creation
but i shoved the plate somewhere dark and cold and pretended i wasn’t so powerful and loving and capable and worthy and the eggs rotted and stank
i curled my lip and scrunched my nose and complained, when the entire time i knew what i had to do.
and so I disappeared.

i got lost in my pain and insecurity and
i pushed you away
because you felt oh so good
and that was oh so bad
i am so unworthy
i don’t deserve you

all i needed was to hold you tight and not let go.
i think you sensed my hesitance
and i sensed yours
and we drifted
but that cosmic tether did not break.

i wrote and burned and wrote and meditated and cried and relieved and burned more

i woke up with you and him and her and all the issues and everything on my mind over and over
again.

i wrote about you, i thought about you, i let go of you, i asked about you, cycles,
a spiral that i used to avoid
telling you
telling the universe
telling myself
that you are what i’ve really wanted the whole time.
and i’m terrified of having you.

the only things that actually manifest are the things that the subtle, authentic me wants
i guess you were one of those things

i’ll wait for their guidance, now, again.
but there’s too much magic for this to be nothing

there was magic in the room that night too.
we all felt it that time.
they say when music plays, people synchronize
fuck i get that now
i sat there in chair number three
what a perfect coincidence
and cried, i don’t know if you were aware
i am worthy of his love i am worthy of his love i am worthy of his love

i haven’t forgotten your love language
and i know you haven’t forgotten mine
thighs touching
elbows meeting
lights glittering
voices empowering
your face turning
and i found that i was worthy of your love
i forgive you,
i forgive me,
and that night, where nothing happened, not really
it’s my best kept secret
now i share it with you
and you’ll see you were keeping it too.

in recent days, i’ve chosen to feel love
and i remember that moment
i also remember his arms around my chest, i repetitively remember his palms on my stomach
but i also remember you
i feel you here
still
and part of me will be embracing you, like that, for the first time, forever.
and for longer than that.

let me say this.
regardless of dreams realized or nightmares achieved
i’m so grateful for you
those few, full hours
you didn’t mean to, but you broke through my crust
hacking away at walls i didn’t know i had
pottery on pottery on pottery
you found my core
and set something ablaze
i don’t need more, not really
because that fire,
ever eternal
will burn and fuel and push me
forever
you propelled my growth.
and i’m grateful for you. as you are and as you were
and if all you end up being is a collection of memories to add to my eternal love toolkit
then i’m content.
not that i would be opposed to you in my future.

let’s talk about that future.

part 2. imagination (for now)

here’s a vision i’m ashamed of:

you and i are lying down in the back of a baby blue pickup truck.
the stars are out, all of them. the sky is a dark, deep, full purple, the color that only people who grew up in the vast expanse of nothing would understand. a black and red lumberjack blanket rests on our intertwined bodies. we hold one another while we look up. we don’t kiss or fuck or talk or anything, we just are.
our breath and heart beats synchronize
quantum entanglement as both the romance novel and physics book put it so eloquently.
you’re the only person i know you understand what that means
in both contexts.

that came to me one morning when i was meditating after our first magical moment
it scared me, i started to think
how i could make it happen
i needed a pickup truck this summer i needed to find a way to get that blanket i needed to text
i got caught up in the logistics instead of accepting it as it was and letting go
the universe has taught me, lately, that i can’t know how or when
i can’t make it happen. well, not the version of me we normally consider to be the self
i was ashamed, scared of that vision. it looked perfect. exactly what i wanted, and i knew it when i saw it. i couldn’t have created a better love story myself.

here’s another:

i was reading one day and i came to this passage: It’s looking over to see the love of your life sleeping next to you and whispering, “thank you.”

suddenly i was sobbing

an image popped up of you, in my bed. your head was turned away from me, your blonde hair tangled but at peace. you were asleep. I was looking at the back of your head. my blanket covered your body, wrapped your shoulders
all i saw was your head
and i muttered, thank you
and i was interwoven with the magic fabric of your beauty

no, but that line, that deafening, all-powerful overwhelming sense of gratitude, that all things converged and happened exactly how the deepest, most primal part of you wanted them to
i felt it when i read that line
and when i saw you in my bed

most memorable
was the image of our first kiss
we made eye contact and then our faces fell
we both knew
who kissed who
a question lost in the electricity of innate, destined connection
we wrapped each other
i saw you in vivid detail
kissing me
your eyes closed
you were slow
passionate
speaking with your kiss
i felt your bottom lip slipping in and out of my now sacred lips
your nose was bent
your freckles and your flexing throat muscles (you have a beautiful neck) spoke out loud
i’ve waited for so long
i wasn’t even there
i had surrendered to you, and you to me.

the level of destruction
i can’t even explain
that one shattered me, it gathered me, it disassembled me and broke me it
cracked
me turned me inside and out and upside down and all around spun me in circles
sent me crashing back to earth
without a scratch.

you waltz up to me with your backpack on
you shed it haphazardly on the blanket i’ve set up
i’ve been waiting for you
you lie down, you put your head on my stomach
you grab my hand and i play with your hair
it’s a position we’re both familiar with
you say “i want us to last forever”
i say “me too”
we never even said hello but we’re like that
things just click together and i’ve found it’s better to let them

we’re both naked, i’m holding you from behind
my arms are crossed over your chest in an X
my head is resting on your collarbone
we sway in silence
hearts raw
all doors open

soon, you’ll stand under a waterfall, the water smacking you on the head hard. you arms will open, your mouth will break into the biggest smile
and that’s when i’ll know that there is nobody, nowhere that can replace you
i strike a match made in heaven to make a fire built by us in this lonely, captivating wilderness
and as we recover to our tent that night, that’s what we’ll do
sparks will fly into the stars
and we’ll soar into each other
above the treetops.

today i saw us on a bus. your head was on my shoulder. my head was on yours. one of us was wearing glasses. we were older,
together
and older.

maybe the future is pre-existing?
maybe it’s a sign?
maybe it’s my rampant imagination?
but all good things start with a little imagination.
so let’s get back to imagining.

with you i don’t feel fear
you can have your fun, you live your life
it’s all i want for you
and you want me to live mine, so desperately
that’s how magic works, it reveals
what’s really, really needed

we hold hands in public. finally.
we share ice cream cones because our favorite flavors are the same.
we stand on park benches and spread our arms wide and envision them as wings.
i can fly with you.
you ask me if i’m alright and i listen. because you’ll always know better than i do
you show me things. always. they’re new, you surprise me, impress me with your
secrets
we cuddle often, under and on top of your sheets and mine
you laugh that way you do, when your nose scrunches up and you look down and your arms come up to your chest like a little dinosaur

we go on dates and drink hefty pours of white wine in tall glasses
you cook for me
pasta 🙂
we experiment, we adventure, we travel, we do
when we fight, we love, we cry, we shred
and we come back together closer than before

some days i don’t see you
other days you are all i see

you want to go and be and try randomly
i love your randomness your spontaneity
i’ll never get tired trying to predict you and failing remarkably

you read my art and i watch you make yours
you inspire my art and i inspire yours
we create together

one day we’ll be sitting outside, holding plastic forks and paper bowls under a setting sun and you’ll come closer to me like you do.
sit in my lap
look up at me and smile and keep eating
our favorite song, our song, plays in the background
i’ll start to cry (that’ll happen a lot)
you’ll kiss my tears away
you know what they mean.

your knuckles feel suspiciously like mine. i run my finger along them as i drive down open roads your hair will churn and dance in the wind
your right hand will move like mine, in waves outside the car
leaving trails of existence behind
we’ll meander through forgotten towns, paper towns
flitting in and out of motels
our hearts will fill as the car fills with dirt and trinkets
our bank accounts empty their contents onto two lane highways and dirty countertops

strangers laugh and smile as we drive by in the car we bought together
so many things we buy together
so many things we create together
when we are together
not that we aren’t already.

like me, you fall in love with the world a little more every day.
i see it in your yelps as we drive
your sighs as we watch and listen
your whimpers as we move through these metaphorical rivers together

someday i’ll lose you. and when i do i’ll cry and scream and the earth will crack open and i’ll be swallowed for a while
but i’ll come back
still loving you
still needing you
always missing you
you’ll cut deeper than anyone ever has
and the scars you leave will be the proudest, most beautiful parts of me

part 3. serendipity

at 3:33 you texted me 23 minutes ago
purple flowers on the album cover
a trail of
purple bean bags
rubber snakes
and giant marshmallows
leads me to you

you’re magical there is no other word for it,
we
are
magical

can you feel it too?

part 4. now

a great blue heron sits, stoic above pond water
and somehow i think of you
you point it at the birds magnificence
and somehow you can capture it
the beauty of this moment
with your finger on a button

how magical

back on the ground
my stomach ached my heart pulled elsewhere i was taffy
my feet burned with electricity and moved away in fear
but the heron stayed and i stopped.
he reminded of the truths that internalize over a lifetime
fear indicates you are close to your purpose
somehow, i let you in
without blocking out the now
doors opening without others closing
who knew that was possible?

that night, burdened by bags of dirty laundry
trekking over cobblestone
another heron drifted above the water, over the bridges
in the middle of the crackling city
nobody seemed to notice but me
so out of place so unusual so
for me
i laughed because the universe
always
has a funny way of showing itself
i’m not kidding though, seriously
a great blue heron, again, sweeping through downtown Dublin
concrete jungles, i suppose

part 5. voyagers

I want you to be someone worth leaving.

i hope you understand this is the most loving, most courageous line of this poem.

maybe we’ll meet again in a few years and i’ll tell you about these feelings.
we’ll laugh and go back to our 9-5’s
maybe you’ll never know
i’m ok with not knowing, with not wanting, because i’ve already been given so much.
thank you, again.
both of you (yes, this letter is to you just as much as it is to him)

i’m reminded of my car accident last summer.
when the tires slipped and i lost control
that moment when i released the steering wheel, hurtling sideways at 70 miles per hour
okay
because there’s nothing you can do to save yourself
and you surrender, completely, to death
and you hope you’ll make it through.

surrender.
that, really, is what i’ve needed to do. not let go of you, not really. surrender to you.
it’s funny, with you i’ve always known the answers.
I wrote them

it is surrender to love, dressed in nothing, that will set me free

it’s really hard to trust someone else to bring you the thing you want most in the world.
but, then again, that’s the only way anything that powerful, that good, that meaningful, that impactful ever comes at all.

peace comes and goes with waves
and when chaos crashes onto the shore
i’ll whoop and holler and dive into the churning oceans of destiny
water shaped like you
and i’ll see
i was never drowning
my lungs were just learning to breathe underwater
and you were waiting for me
down there
in the darkness
in the rubble of my old heart.

it would be my pleasure to have my heart broken by you. but a heart can’t be broken when you make it invincible.

before you
my heart lay dormant waiting for spring to arrive
you drifted in
draped in lilac, exploding with light
my little cave warmed, ignited with your energy
i
cowered beneath your glory
scampered away
in the darkness, in the cold it’s easier to know yourself
because you can’t see.
you, my great illuminator,
descended and i ascended
now i bow
i thank
and i have become that little unknowingly powerful line that confused me then

i’d ask what you have to say, but i see the world in your eyes
and the truth in your smile.

i’ll see you soon.

in these lines i’ve offered you my heart
in my hands that look so much like yours
take it
or break it
either way i’ll make it.

part 11. the crescendo

im still terrified to write what i know. im scared this will happen. really scared.

kidding. 2:25.

i wrote the later because i was scared, and attached to 23.

you will be my greatest work. my greatest tool.

you are my kiss. you are the kiss, not anything else. and with you, i have the ego death.

the white toyota’s are driving away. the signs are leaving.

i don’t feel like i’m alone, so i must not be.

i’m not lonely, so i can’t be alone.

im not scared of romantic love, so i must already have it.

in the flowers. in the beans. in the colors. in the magic. you showed up in the people. you showed up in the doorway,

welcoming me to the world unknown.

i walked through that door. it was closed once. that door welcomed me home.

i entered. you exited. to have you i leave the door behind.

exeter, the merge of them both

and finally, my soul will rest
and rise
into eternity.

i welcome the goodness.