the amount of energy that i have expended on you makes me mad. 

i don’t get it. 

well maybe i do. the problem is that i do get it, deeply, and that it’s helping me at all for the first time. 

did you feel it? did you? you must have. all of these are objective statements. 

but i don’t want to obsess. i don’t want to need.

all i want is to love

wait, god, no all i am is circles

you said you had a good time, i chose to neglect

that

but you were there and you were bright and i felt comfortable knowing how we would end

jealousy sweeps in, this is all my fault, i didn’t do it when i should have and it’s too late

also i don’t want you anyway

im tired of typing about you

my hands are worthy of someone more, someone better, 

my art should be about someone else. 

get out of my head you

i almost called you a parasite but i don’t love parasites

so you can’t be one. 

why is this so hard. why do i make this so hard. why don’t i have courage. why do i not know what i would do if i did have courage. 

what would you do if you didn’t have fear? if you loved yourself? so many voices judge actions i haven’t even taken and choices i haven’t even tried to make

back, no closer, back UP PLEASE COME BACK you do whatever i don’t want you to

the music swells and you come closer and we touch and graze and i feel like i did the first time, the first time with you, sure, but really the first time i loved

you looked at me, fuck i know it

what do i do with all this writing

im ashamed of it

im ashamed of feeling this for you 

but only if you don’t feel it

and i know you do

but then i wonder if you do

up and down and around and

dreams, we kiss and embrace the universe tells me to hold on, to text, to let go

you can get what you want

but let go of the outcome

you are attached

so i need to let go in order to hold? but am i supposed to even hold? how do i know? i want to ask the universe, but i’m scared of what it will say

i want to ask you, really, because that will free me

but i will still wonder

that didn’t help all those friends in the same situation

i sobbed after that adventure. you didn’t, you moved on and went to lunch and

i wish i could read your mind that i could detach and look at this from above and maneuver the pieces

i know i can

and it’s so easy to with anyone but you

we’re meant to be. but what does that even mean. i create that. but also i don’t the universe does

everything is here to help me. so you are too. but how can you be helping me when you’re too busy struggling with the person i tried to save

you can’t save him, i couldn’t either

and i’m telling you that because i want to save you. 

fuck, i need to stop doing that. 

or i can accept that i do do that, i don’t know

time moves too fast for me to handle

let’s not forget what i created by mid april, but i have no way of predicting what comes true and what doesn’t 

it’s time to let me go, what does that even mean

you are me, you don’t like it when people pull at you, you like it when they push

i can save you from that too

i realized i do that too

i understand what i want

and you are that, and we want the same, so why can’t we want and be and grow and love the same together

you don’t even check off the boxes on my list, so long

so specific 

but i want nothing and the universe knows and i trust it

but i keep finding reasons not to. no i keep creating reasons not to. 

as a powerful creator, these reasons are powerful. 

i’ve only been writing for a couple minutes, but my hands, they ache, my wrists they hurt, my mind is exploding with memories of you
aren’t you impressed by how much i have to say

don’t worry i see our future too. its the reason i hold on. its the reason i can let go

everything, every thought and memory and vision and feeling are ammunition that can be used by both sides, for and against you and me and the universe

all of us stuck in this battle for control

we all know who’s going to win

we just don’t understand what their prerogative is 

and i love control and i want it and i want to know

but not as much as i want you

but not as much as i want myself and i love myself and i don’t deserve it so, its, decided, i’ll stop chasing

you can’t make choices, you’ll make mistakes. 

universe-ity, you make the choice and i’ll take the action

but i can’t im too scared, and who knows, it’s probably not exactly what you think it is and you don’t understand and i do and eek and run

can you imagine what people would say the shame of a future i can feel in my present

how embarrassing to be writing this much about someone who’s texting the worst possible person as we speak

but what do i know, really? i know nothing. 

and that’s the problem. 

but maybe that’s the solution.

ah. 

i know nothing. i have no idea if we are meant to be. i have no idea if i love you. i have no idea what you’re thinking, who you love and who loves you. i have no idea what i want, what is good for me, who is mine, whether I’m ready, what I need, who i need, what i’m looking for, what any of it ever means or will ever mean. 

i don’t know. 

so maybe i can stop trying. 

and i want to and if i stop trying then i can kn—

no. i just don’t know. i don’t know anything. i never have, so how can i expect to know what to do?

someone does know, but its not you or me or him or her or that one or anyone other than

universe, take the reigns, i’m done pretending. 

funny, i spent three pages just to arrive at exactly the same conclusion expressed in line 2. 

there is something to the journey, i guess.