this entire time, i’ve realized that only one thing is real. and that is love. the only true things i ever said to you were those about how much i loved you. they were the poems i wrote you. they were the dreams about you. they were the weird ways that i kept coming back to you. they were the cuddles and the sex when we’d say i love you, softly, over and over again. it was the magic of feeling like i was falling in love every time you touched me. 

i am glad to say that i have healed and grown since we last talked. i’ve written a lot of poetry, written a lot of letters to you. i’ve cried a lot. i’ve screamed, too. now, looking back, i’ve realized one thing. 

the only thing that was ever causing me to suffer was avoiding one, simple truth. i love you. deeply, entirely, passionately, with everything i am. and i always will. 

and understanding that was the single thing that’s truly set me free. 

with that in mind, let me apologize. i am sorry for the way i ended things. i’m sorry for the things i wrote in that letter. i’m sorry for the lies i told to protect myself. all of the things i ever said to minimize, stop, regulate, or deny our love were lies. here was one of them:

• “we aren’t soulmates.”

well, now i know that we were. we were truly meant to, in the deepest way, find each other. you were magical. i was drawn to you for reasons i can’t explain. i fell in love with you instantly. something deeper than me knew that you were exactly what i needed, so i found you. 

i’m sorry that i pretended that wasn’t true. the only reason i said it wasn’t is because it was easier. of course it was. you know this about me—i used to pretend i didn’t love people to heal from the pain of losing them. 

funny, because that was the only thing that’s ever kept me from healing.

but all that means, really, is that 

1. it hurt to lose you (trust me, it really did. more than losing anything else in my entire life)
2. i really, really loved you

another thing about soulmates. you aren’t my only one, and i’m not your only one either. soulmates are the people that come crashing into your life when you least expect them to. they come doused in magic and strange coincidences. you fall in love with each other instantly. you understand each other completely. you feel like you’ve loved them before. 

romantic soulmates often terrify you. sometimes you have a moment, a moment where you both know the magic that’s to come. but then you get scared, as we both were in the beginning. you don’t trust your feelings, sometimes you get angry about them. we convince ourselves that we’re happier single. we convince ourselves we’re not ready. we tell ourselves we don’t want them. but really, you find yourself always back in the same place ubtil you realize the entire time all you’ve ever wanted is that other person. but the only way to goodness is by pursuing them. it’s loving these people, even if there are a thousand reasons for you not to. 

the most magical thing? they always feel the same way. 

fear tries to convince us what isn’t real. but maybe, just maybe, fear guides us toward the people that bring the sort of love that you can’t begin to imagine. 

none of my explanations will do this phenomenon justice. but i think you know what i mean. 

in this life, it is those people that we need to put our energy into. i think about the people i love most, the relationships that have been the most loving, monumental, and good for me. each one of them started in this way. she started that way (i’ve repaired things with her recently). she was that way (repaired things with her as well. going to see her this summer.) she started that way (she sends her regards). she was that way (i absolutely know she was that way for you too. you guys connected like magic.) she was that way, of course. in the past few months, i’ve met more people like that. it’s weird, because it actually happens all the time to me lately. once i was open to it, my life starting filling with people like that. i meet them every day. 

the same is true of things, experiences, songs, and more. it’s kinda cool, like my life is quite literally filling with love and magic. and it happened only when i started choosing the things and the people that were magic from the beginning. 

sorry that was sort of a tangent. but i guess i needed to get it out. 

my conclusion, i suppose, is that we are soulmates. as i wrote in the poem, you were exactly what i needed last year. and i would have loved a life with you. but just because we are soul mates doesn’t mean that we have to build our lives around one another. 

i think that was a mistake we both made. we knew how real our love was, how palpable it was. so, we thought that our love was the only thing that was real, and we pushed out everything else. and as we both know, that did us both more harm than good. 

what i’m trying to say, really, is that my love for you is permanent. my love for you is special. my relationship with you is different than anything i ever have or ever will experience. now, when i think about you, i don’t avoid it. when i think about our relationship, i don’t think about how it was toxic. instead, all i can remember is how amazing it was. all i can remember is how truly amazing you are. all i can remember is how much i love you. and in truly facing that love i had for you i realized i could welcome in that kind of love into all areas of my life. 

i do want you to know this. you are a phenomenal, beautiful human. you are remarkable. you are deeply courageous and loving. i think what i wrote in that poem is perfect: you take people apart, you see all of them, and you fill their cracks with gold. you are incredibly, deliberately thoughtful. you know what is right, and you choose to strive for it. you keep the promises you make with yourself and with other people. you connect with people easily and instantly. you are hilarious, in the best kind of way. you are so many things, inherently, that i can only dream of being. it’s why i loved you so much. it’s why i love you so much. 

i know that sometimes you doubt yourself. but know this: i believe, completely, and entirely, that you deserve everything. you are capable of everything. you are worthy of love. you deserve all the peace and joy and happiness and goodness in the world. you deserve to be healthy. you deserve friend who care about you deeply. you deserve to have only people in your life that make you better, that bring you love, not pain, and have the capacity to focus their energy on loving you. you deserve to live a life better than the ones that are so good you can’t even dream of them. and i know you will.

as for us, let me be clear. i do miss you. i do want to hear about how you are. i do want to laugh with you again. i do want to be friends with you again. there’s a reason i don’t exclude you in group chats or anything else. it’s not because i feel like i have to to be nice. it’s because i genuinely want you to be there, and i genuinely want to see you. so please, don’t ever feel like you are imposing or need to avoid a group thing because of me. i would love for you to be there. and you are always invited. 

still, i understand if that’s not what you need. if you want space from me, i won’t be offended. i want what is best for you, and only you can know what that is. 

i also don’t expect a response or anything from you. you do you. if you want to talk, i’d love to. if you don’t, i get it. whatever you do, whatever you need, i support more than 100%. 

may you meet your next soulmate.