Today I was affected by a good number of painful thoughts. I tried to pretend, or did not recognize, some pain I was feeling.

I had a lack of validation from my professors. This felt like neglect.

I felt this way because I want my theory to be true. I want goods, I want people to love me, and I think the model will do that. I accept that I feel like this. I don’t judge these desires. I remember I am love, and though I am infinitely affected by others’ hate and fear I am also infinitely in love. And I love the world. It’s time I let it love me back.

I also felt pain about him.

I feel neglect, guilt, fear, and longing. I have real feelings for him, I loved him, and that relationship was the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always wonder if I should have ended it, and those thoughts are. They are not indicators of, or reasons to, act. I cannot judge myself for my choices. I did what I did and it’s lead me to the present. And today was rough. I was hurt. Transcendence does not make me invincible. But I love myself. I love what I am capable of. All I need to do is let myself go. Let myself grow.