I really hate how obsessed i am with this. i guess that is the first problem. these thoughts are evidence that i love. they are evidence that he does, because i would not feel so crazy if there were not some reciprocal energy. i keep replaying all these moments in my head because i think it will make me more able to deal with rejection if and when it comes. well guess what. i have not been rejected. and there are a trillion reasons to think that he is into it, just as there are a trillion reasons to think that he is not. it is only up to me to respond compassionately to each thing that happens. so when I have these thoughts, I love them. they are evidence that i care about myself. they are telling me that i am doing something incorrect, that i am fighting my instincts. i need to open myself to receiving his love. i need to try looking for the reasons that he does like me, once again, i need to et myself feel joy when he reaches out. there is no doubt that things havve become sort of weird between us in the past few weeks. i don’t really understand why, but i certainly have a role. i am searching for his validation because his validation means that i will not ge rejected and i can feel the pain and say, yes, that was what i expected, that was awful and i never should have done it. but from now on i choose love. i will release control into the universe. the universe is the great creator, i have no control over its intentions, i will stay in touch with that inner self and it will draw me toward the right actions.

it would not be awkward if there was not something unsaid between us both.

and that is that we feel the love.