Someone had to choose me. 

A broken boy who had been convinced of nothing but the power of fear, tender and unworthy he needed tending

too

And you showed up and I pounced because someone, anyone showed me, him, me that, despite, 

We could be loved.

I never believed you, not really. But even green dresses and corsets convinced me then, our love sealed with a kiss (on the cheek) and a nod and a high five and a thigh-on-thigh contact and a text I sent too early 

guys, don’t worry she said it back

But you left. 

I ended us but you walked away long before

And I was too fragile, 

too delicatized by a home that was not kind

to handle your absence. 

And so it begins.

You were next, 

you were special but I was too chaotic

to love you. 

Shame greeted me at the deathbed of my first love

When you cut the cord I felt

Understood

Right

No, I wasn’t worthy, we both knew that, and I found grace in the validation your rejection provided

It’s funny, you spend so long dreaming that when you have exactly what you’ve always wanted you forget to wake up.

Or you’re afraid to.

Were you a dream? And you?

I know you weren’t. But only because you were a nightmare. 

Freaky, that’s what I’ll call you

But a body was a body and Freaky had one

Even if it was too busy splitting its thighs and sticking its fingers into bathroom cabinets brimming with masks

to notice me. 

Not that I was any better. 

Freaky. 

I chose you, Freaky, because she scared me. 

I loved her, before, after and during. You’re terrible.

Turns out she loved me. She tried to show me, she did show me really fucking plainly, and now

I wonder how

Until I remember. 

It’s hard to take the next step when shame presses your soft cheeks to the pavement

Hard. 

So we pretended and hinted and wasted time

Now your name is the easy answer to difficult questions in games of truth or dare

Now your name is the fun fact I use to surprise people who ‘know’ me

Now your name is the reason I’m still confused

but things are getting clearer. 

I hope you’re still happy with the guy you chose to distract from me.

We know who you really wanted. Who I really wanted. 

Evident from muddy knees sinking into the soft Earth, sticky eyelashes (they make poor floodgates) and white fists as I screamed into the darkness that night

It’s not love that makes me scream. 

It’s my failure to act on it, and that can only be overcome by a strength I’m still searching for.

Let’s get physical! 

Time for stage 2, and this time, 

my lips were desperate 

my hands searching 

my hips thrusting

the stench of old leather and childhood a reason for it to become so so wrong even when it felt so so right

Dark and wet and swoon and dreams

No, ya I mean I didn’t like it either. 

Actually, I’m gay so

ha.

fooled you. 

I wonder why (well, I don’t but) it’s so much easier to be let go of. 

Mmmmmm I can’t let go. Being let go of is easier.

But wait, I almost forgot. 

I’m embarrassed. 

The one I truly fell for. The closest to good. The sneaky kisses under pine trees burdened by fresh snow

Our footprints revealed our hiding place

And the hearts, the nicknames, the traveling Broadway shows that neither of us really paid attention to

Funny, the least memorable was the least painful

I suppose I underestimated you

Why can’t love blossom over simple games of 20 questions and smiles across classrooms anymore?

Thank you, Smee. 

And you, oh you my ugliest. Damn. 

Well, it’s a tie, but she doesn’t deserve recognition

Not on this page anyway.

No but seriously, leave me alone, I’ll walk out at this part, bleh. And you weren’t even the worst of that 

era

i’ve never felt so alone. They came in flocks, once, where did they go?

Cycles like the seasons. 

Faster and faster, lonelier and lonelier, in and out and over again I ask

no, I continue, I grab and snatch and gnaw and bend and break and die and finish and overcome and run and sob and scream and chuckle and you, you

I stop at you, my love, my creator, the one they all approved of

I stopped to breathe. 

Your fingers wrapped around mine, my arms encircled your perfect chest, 

this is something real. 

You held me, and that was enough. 

But as I know all too well, you can never depend on any home you make outside yourself

Wasn’t I doing the right thing? Wasn’t this new? Confessions? Honesty? Feelings? Inexplicable power, experienced mutually in silence? 

Shit, of course, the timing, AGAIN, was wrong because I was too slutty when it was right. 

I always make excuses. 

But they pile up, they drown and suffocate and blind me

Only when I wipe my eyes clear do I see his remains on your neck

So I made him mine. I know you saw. 

I’m sorry about that. 

Novels could be written about you. God knows I’ll always be writing about you. And I’ll never understand, not really. We were

something

But all of us were. 

You were just more invested. 

I’m sorry I pulled you into my pain your suffering I’m responsible for it i’ve always known and the poems oh the poems filled with blame and hate and trauma I knew i knew the whole time that i shouldn’t and couldn’t that i wanted you because i was doing you a favor and i wrecked you in the process and maybe i’ll never recover from the scars i left on you 

scars i caused but don’t have, those are the ones I can’t forget. 

You wish we’d never met. 

Fair enough, but as I’ve written

My love for you is still here. 

But you. You’re different, maybe. Are you? Are you really?

Fast and inconvenient, that’s what you. are. 

But obsession kicks your feet out from under you it pulls down further

Always and forever.

So who are you? How do we end?

I’ve been here before. 

I’ll regret whatever I do

I beg you, please just come to me. Prove you’re not a throw away, show me your

beauty

power

love

and I’ll show you mine.

that’s a wrap.