I can be forgetful and inconsiderate of other people. This means that people often feel like I don’t care about them, that I am a bad friend. 

How often has somebody actually said this? I remember two times. The first was when I was wasted and the friend laughed about it they probably don’t even remember that it happened. The second was the friend that we have already determined is not ready to love you. She has always made you feel shitty, and if you internalized everything that she has said to you, you’d be a complete mess for no reason. She’s struggling in her own right, forgive her for how that has affected you. Regardless, she even said she doesn’t think I’m actually ‘bad’ that sometimes I just forget things. Don’t we all?

More than that, let’s not forget the incredibly large number of times that you have been told that you are kind, considerate, empathetic and good. When I think about it, I can remember more times that’s happened in the last few days than you’ve been called inconsiderate in your entire life. Remember who you are. You are light, you are goodness, you are kindness. 

My chapped lips and eczema. In general, all of the skin problems. 

Has anyone ever noticed this? I can think of one time in the past two years. That is not worth all the mental turmoil that it’s causing you. And you can heal. You have healed before, use that medication ointment stuff you had last time. And love yourself regardless. THe only reason it’s still there si because you think this is part of who you are. It’s not. It can heal and it has gone away. Pray for healing and it will come. Trust me, this has happened in the past. 

Also, remember that your actions mean a lot. Eating well, exercising, taking cold showers and all that jazz actually help immensely. Like really. And your skin has never looked as good as it does now. Acne? Where? Eczema? Literally you don’t have any. Don’t be so obsessed with how things can be better that you forget to be grateful for how things are, especially considering how they used to be. Plus, you’re hot and sexy and all of those things regardless. There is nobody on this planet that would disagree with that. 

I have a tendency to cut people off with little or no explanation, especially when things get intimate. 

First, this is just not true. This is not something you do, and when you have, it hasn’t been bad. Relationships end. Maybe those endings could be and should be handled differently, but you already know that and you are handling things differently. You know how to apologize, and yes you have made mistakes. But you have learned from them, and nobody can blame you for making those mistakes in the first place. You were in pain, and you always did the thing you needed to to keep yourself loved and safe and protected. And that is all that matters, that is all that you ever can or should do.

Also don’t forget that the people who really matter, who really love you, are still here. They love you even though you did that to them. They stuck around, even when you were fighting every one of their efforts to love you. That is unconditional love. There are also all the people that chose to love you even when you did that to other people they loved. Think about all those times in the past, did any of those people leave your side or stop loving you because you messed and and pushed someone they loved away? Of course not. Because this is not a condition that needs to be satisfied in order for other people to love you. And it is not a condition that needs to be met in order for you to love yourself. 

My money and white privilege. 

Nobody blames you for making money. If anything, people are impressed and proud of you. Look at what you were given in the beginning. It has always been so hard to handle. But you did it. You did go against the odds, because most people, even those form your background, don’t achieve a quarter what you have achieved in their lifetimes. You are phenomenal and so worthy of every penny you make. 

Yes, you were fortunate. And you had the help of so many people. But you understand that, openly, and you are not one to pretend that anything you achieved you achieved alone. In fact, you understand that so deeply that you actually ask for help and feedback over and over again, and that is incredibly impressive. Listen to the feedback. Accept the help. You are doing great, and you are worthy of the success you are creating for yourself. Nobody would disagree, you deserve the life that you want. And don’t forget, you already have and always will help so many people along the way. Customers, partners, friends, families and teachers all see the infinite ways that you use your position to help other people. Why can’t you see it also?

My biggest mistakes. 

Yes, this is a hard one. And it is really hard to learn to love yourself when you care so deeply about these things. 

You made mistakes. Of course you did. But it’s ok. You are still loved. By the universe, by your family, by yourself, by your friends. I am not making excuses for you. But this is something that you understand, deeply to be wrong. You know that if you share this with other people they will still love you. It may be difficult but they will. Now, you don’t have to do so. You can heal from shame without sharing it with other people. 

A horrible person is not one that would have the courage to be writing about this right now. You are so courageous, so good for writing about these things. The regret and shame you feel is immense. That is ok. You are not allowed to diminish your self-worth to that one accident. Give yourself a break. You were young, you were under the influence, and you were struggling with so much. You were so lonely. You didn’t even know what it meant, had no idea the gravity of it. It wasn’t until later that you understood. That is not the person you are anymore. 

Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Everyone. There are things that everyone will be too ashamed to speak of, maybe ever. But you face them. You have thrown open the door, dusted them off, and interrogated each one of them in profound ways. You are powerful, you are courage, you are light. You can’t ruin lives, that’s not how the universe works. Send them love, give them love, and forgive yourself.