part one: the first moment

with all of the best friendships and relationships of my life, i can trace everything back to one moment. in that moment, a feeling arises. it starts with realizing that we have a scary, sort of creepy amount in common. and, sort of inexplicably, i just knew that i would be incredibly close friends with them in the long term. i had that feeling with you then, this rush of inner knowing, this sort of sense that we were meant to find each other, someway somehow, for reasons i’ll never understand. it was like time wasn’t real that day. i spoke effortlessly and honestly. i wasn’t worried, i wasn’t searching for your validation, i wasn’t forcing myself to flirt. with you, i could just be, like living peacefully, fully, and authentically was suddenly the easiest thing in the world. 

part two: i compliment a dream

you are a spectacular person. you are remarkably courageous, capable, authentic, and thoughtful. you are infinitely intelligent, deeply empathetic. you are spontaneous, you are dangerous, you care deeply for yourself and others. i admire you above all, truly, and you are the sort of person i hope i get the privilege of spending a life time with. 

and i know that i will, because you are not the first person i’ve met like that. and you won’t be the last.

i guess that’s technically true of any human ever (thanks string theory) but with you, it feels more tangible. more palpable. more likely. more possible. 

part three: this is about me.

i guess what i am saying is that i am grateful for you. because i am. i have learned so much in thinking about and writing about you. and don’t think, even for a second that i am writing for you. 

because i am writing for me. you are a parasite.

i do love you, in some weird way.

part four: he (or she) is done.

i don’t want to date you. i don’t want to be in a relationship at all. and that is why it’s so fucking annoying that i want you. it’s why it’s so annoying that people tell me

i will let go of you because i have decided to. this is a manifestation of that intention, the belief that in writing this i can understand it, share it with you, and we can have an honest conversation about what the fuck happened.

but i do not need that from you. 

i will love unconditionally without you. 

part five: bye, bitch.

i will find someone even more perfect for me when i let you go. 

i love you regardless. 

ill get grindr and tinder and i’ll wander until my next soulmate crashes into me

i will find someone who i can be with

i will be with someone who loves me

part six: one final thing

never mind.