hey. 

i saw you last night. but i guess you already know that. 

i also know that i haven’t done anything wrong. i didn’t want to watch the amazon race yesterday and i did have other plans, not because i hate you, and not really because of you at all. I am sorry that it is happening this way. 

i need to be completely honest with you. you have never made me feel loved. ive always felt liked by you when i was in a bad place. you are loving when you’re wasted. you’re sweet when i’m doing unwell, and insecure and hateful when im doing well. 

it makes me sad because i know this is not your fault. but it’s not mine either. i wish i could relieve you of the pain you’re feeling, because i know what that’s like. its surprisingly much easier to avoid pain than it is to accept joy and love. 

i’ve sort of realized that a lot lately. that’s why i’ve been distant, and it’s why you don’t really miss me, you miss the attachment you have to me. you depend on me, it seems, because you don’t have many other people. and i am terrified to let you go. 

which is why i know that i must. 

im terrified what you’re going to say and do. im terrified of the jealousy and exclusion that i will inevitably feel. im terrified of all the badness that i see coming into my life as a result of your anger with me. 

but i can’t control you. if i could i would make you see the light you have inside and love and the beauty and everything good. 

i would make you see the truth. 

but i can’t wait in the pain of your shadow while you search for your light. 

so i’ll pursue my light. and i hope you can as well. 

love, 

mason