i was wisihing that i had somehting to write with and then i realized i had the laptop

well that doe smake sense. the universe always provides I guess. 

well i know that. or maybe i am learning that. 

when i say that i know that i mean that i consciously know that

the other part of me the deeper hidden part is still learning

you know what i mean

unless you don’t 

in which case i can’t teach you

is it just me or does everybody feel so broken when looking into the past

or maybe they jsut rememeber how broken they were

i was told that i shoudl feel happy taht i have moved past the pain

and do i suppose

but i still feel for that person

i want to help that person

i want to tell that boy, who was falling in love with another boy

that he deserved better

i want to wake him up

stop him from tripping and falling on his face

now that i think about it

i guess i did try to show him

i treated him so horribly over and over again but he kept coming back because it’s what he thought he deserved

every day we have a choice

we can choose the paths that make us worse

or those that make us better

and we’ll chose whichever one we think we deserve

to say that we manifest, bring what we think we deserve is wrong

it implies such a lack of agency and purpose and responsibility

really, we always have choices

really we are not just co creators

we are creators

we just aren’t really sure how to know the other creator

who isn’t the other at all.

now my heart cracks and spills blood and gold over your hands

don’t fret

rub them on me

cover me in it

and love me for it

it’s all i ask, lover.