I’ve forgiven you for a lot of shit. You’ve made me cry and scream. You have, really, hurt me bad. The weekend. Times before. All the ignoring. Fire drills, where I was pretty much in love, ignored me. Woke up that morning and I couldn’t breathe. Going to vomit. Cried in the bathroom. You texted sorry, forgive you right away. Unconditionally. Never brought it up again. Please try and forgive me I deserve it. I know I hurt you. I know this is hard. This is not what I deserve. I have done all I can to make you fee loved, secure, that you matter. Even when it’s not reciprocated. It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to let good things and feelings happen to you. It’s not just ok. You deserve it. Avoiding it feeds my fear, my anxiety, hurts us both and corrupts our relationship. This is not worth it. I am willing to be hurt for you if it means you don’t have to be. To me, that’s what love is. 

only now, over a year later do realize. 

this was a letter to myself.