Hi ☺

I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation and the texts, and there are a few things that I wanted to say to add. 

The first is I was never, ever trying to pretend I know more than you do about oppression. I don’t. It was a mistake for me to speak about oppression as if I did, and I’m sorry for doing so. 

Second I wanted to address how I spoke to you about your depression. I assure you, I was just trying to help. I was not trying to blame you for your depression or undermine your experiences with mental health or sexual assault. I was, quite literally, just suggesting some techniques (routines, journaling, etc.) that helped me with my mental health issues and has been empirically proven to help many others with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and more. My only goal was to suggest this as something small that you could do that may help you. 

Third I wanted to share the reason I am so motivated to create this model. Like I think I mentioned to you, I too have struggled with depression. I grew up in a household I did not feel safe in. There was constant conflict between everyone. I remember my Dad smashing my school photos on the kitchen floor, my Mom trying to kick down my sister’s door, and my sister running a knife against her stomach until she bled and my parents telling me that I needed to handle it. For years I was terrified to come home after school, and I spent more nights hiding in a closet with my dog than I did with my family. I tried to kill myself in 5^th grade. I’ve been diagnosed with depression multiple times, I’ve been told I was bipolar and that I had an anxiety disorder. I’ve been prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I’ve been through at least 10 therapists. 

I also went to high school in Montana. It took me years to become comfortable enough with myself to come out. Even before I came out, I was called a faggot and pushed in the hallways. I was bullied in the locker rooms. Dicks were drawn on my car while I was in school. My stickers were ripped off and stuck to my car windows. People would take pictures of me and my car, and when I went to my school counselor, she simply said it was natural for me to struggle with my sexuality, implying that I would realize I was straight with some time.

The reason I’m telling you all of that is to prove to you that I am no stranger to pain, trauma, and oppression. I know the terror of living inside a body that would rather die than wake up the next day. I know what it’s like to hate the world and to be hated by the world. Despite all of that, in the past few weeks, as I’ve built this model, I’ve started to feel better than I ever had, better than all of the therapists, diagnoses, and anti-depressants could make me feel. With a lot of hard-work and self-reflection, and using my model, I’ve accessed a part of myself that I didn’t think I was capable of. In the past weeks, I have been more productive than I ever have been. My relationships are exponentially more rewarding. I’m exercising every day, eating healthy, and sleeping well for the first time that I can remember. The amount of love and joy I’ve become capable of is astonishing to me. The world seems so much more beautiful than I ever gave it credit for.

This has been my experience. And, as someone who has gone from rock bottom (over and over again) to this amazing place, all that I want is to help others get there. That’s what I was trying to do with you at breakfast the other day. Because I believe that anyone can get to the point that I’m at. My reasoning for that is that there is tons of research of people who have been ‘happy’ (whatever that means) in the face of insurmountable pain and terror. Victor Frankl is a great example—he developed a model much like mine when he was 15 and then lived in a Nazi concentration camp. He wrote a phenomenal book about his experience, and how he was able to transcend these terrible circumstances and find joy even in the camps.

Stories like these I’m not sharing to blame anyone for not being able to be happy in their situations. It’s incredibly difficult to do so. All that I know now is that it is possible for anyone to be happy, regardless of circumstance. People just need to be given the means to do so, and that’s why I’m building this model. 

To add to that, in no way is anybody capable of doing this alone. This model is not to say that it’s your fault that you’re unhappy and that you can improve all by yourself. Because that just isn’t true. Interdependence, and relying on other people is absolutely essential for this to work. This is not a journey that anyone can take on their own. Everyone needs help along the way. The way I describe what I’m doing is making a map that can lead you to the path. 

With those things in mind, I do feel that it’s unfair to say that I’ve just read a self-help book and only looked at what white men have wrote about psychology. That’s not fair at all. Yes, I do have a lot more people I need to talk to, but this model is a conglomerate of human knowledge from every academic field, using conclusions that countless academic researchers, of all backgrounds, have contributed to. I’ve also listened to podcasts about unequal access to menstrual medication and attended a seminar last week on female leaders. Though, like I said, I have a long way to go, I’ve done more than you gave me credit for.

Since we talked I’ve been reading about the nature of oppression, and what can be done to solve for it. There has been a lot of research on the concept of critical reflection as a technique that reduces levels of oppression and discrimination in communities. Critical reflection means “becoming awake to present realities, noticing one’s surroundings, and being able to name one’s perceptions, feelings and nuances of behaviors.” Techniques like this I’ve found everywhere, and there’s loads of academic research on using this as an antidote to racism, homophobia and sexism to name a few. I was intrigued by these findings because my model is dependent on critical, repetitive, and honest self-reflection. It’s this more than anything that’s liberated me from all the pain I was in, and there is evidence that the same sorts of techniques can liberate societies from pain as well. I’m not pretending I have all the answers, nor that this means I have cracked the code or figured everything out. I haven’t. All this means is that is possible, at least, that the model I’ve developed already has the potential to reduce oppression. And I think that’s exciting.

And, something to add, is I have no idea if it’s right. This summer is about research, it’s about noticing the patterns and doing the sort of research that all those who came before me failed to do. I can’t force you to believe in the model, or even believe that it’s possible for someone to build one. But I do truly believe in its power and legitimacy, and as I mentioned from that first paragraph, there is evidence of it everywhere.

Everyone deserves to feel better and be better, and my only goal is to help as many people as I possibly can to do so. I appreciate your advice about the restaurant, truly, but it won’t serve to make a model as comprehensive as I believe it can be. If you’re curious about my reasonings for that choice I would love to share my research proposal. 

Thank you, also, for the advice you gave me about how to do this research. Of course, I’m never going to get anywhere if I go in telling people what to believe. My approach with you was wrong, of course, and you are right that I need to forget everything I know to make this effective. 

I would love anymore input you can give me about how I should approach this research and how I can share it with the world. The text you sent was painful for me to read, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it because all I want for you and the rest of the world, is to feel better because all of us deserve to.